LD & Relationships
Being a Spouse/Partner With LD
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Maintaining a long-lasting and satisfying relationship with a spouse or partner is challenging enough. But having a learning disability may make it even harder. You may want the relationship to be a stronger one, but you don't know how to make that happen. Some of the behaviors associated with your learning disability may annoy your partner, and your partner's criticism of you may cause you to feel dissatisfied with the relationship.
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Dependency can be a big issue when it comes to learning disabilities and relationships. You may both have different views about dependency and control. If you are overly dependent on your partner because of your LD, you may both grow tired of the "patient-caregiver" relationship. After a while, you may find that you are no longer emotionally attached to the relationship.
It may make you feel better to know that relationships are hard work for everyone. Maintaining a satisfying, long-term relationship takes daily effort, and both you and your partner/spouse need to be committed to this effort. The following are some tips that you may find useful:
Building a Stronger Relationship
- You should have a good understanding of your strengths as well as your challenges.
- You should understand how your disability affects your behavior and your ability to communicate.
- Your partner/spouse should understand that learning disabilities could interfere with many aspects of everyday life.
- You both should understand that some tasks might take you longer to do than they take other people.
- Be as self-reliant as possible so that your partner does not feel overburdened or in a patient-caregiver relationship.
- Explain to your partner the accommodations you need. For example, if you have trouble following a series of directions and your partner asks you to do three things after dinner, reply with a direct statement, such as "Please write down what you need, or give me the directions one at a time."
- Agree to trade-off household tasks so you handle the ones that you can comfortably do. For example, your partner/spouse may handle such tasks as paying the bills and balancing the checkbook, while you may do the grocery shopping.
- Be open to improving your social skills. Ask your partner/spouse to give you feedback on things you should/should not do.
One of the most important ways you can maintain a healthy and long-lasting relationship is by practicing good, clear, open communication. The following are some pointers for building good communication.
- Be direct and specific about your needs. Ask for what you need from your partner; don't expect him or her to read your mind.
- Avoid criticizing your partner's personality. For example, don't say "You're so messy!" or "You never listen to me!" or "You always think only about yourself!"
- Try not to use "You" statements when there is a conflict. For example: Your partner: "You were going to tidy up the living room, but there's still a bunch of papers and books lying around! Can't you ever finish anything that you start?"
You: "You're never satisfied with anything I do!"
- Instead, use "I" statements, such as the following: Your partner: "When I find the living room cluttered, I feel unsettled. I would appreciate it if you would pick up all the junk mail and books." You: "When you criticize my efforts, I feel bad. I'll be happy to put away the books, but I'll need to know if you want any of these catalogs before I throw them away."
- Look at your partner/spouse when he/she is speaking. Pay attention to the gestures and facial expressions he/she uses. If you are not sure about what your partner/spouse has said, ask for clarification. For the two of you to have open and honest communication, you will both need to be sure that you understand what's being said.
If you and your partner want help in working through your communication problems and building a stronger relationship, you may consider seeing a family or marriage counselor. It is important to select a counselor who understands how learning disabilities can affect relationships.
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