Adolescence is a trying time under the best of circumstances. For teens with learning disabilities, the daily and life-long struggles of coping with their disability-related symptoms can be wearing and dispiriting. Repeated failure, taunts from peers, and negative feedback from teachers often come at a considerable psychological cost.Psychological Symptoms
Many youth and adults with LD develop what is known as emotional overlay, secondary psychological issues that must be addressed along with the primary characteristics of LD. Although emotional overlay does not always develop into a major mental health problem, the psychological symptoms are very real and can be extraordinarily draining. This chapter will help you identify the psychological symptoms of emotional overlay in your child and will suggest various treatments to address them.Your teen with LD may be very bright, yet as a result of his LD-related struggles, believe himself to be far less capable than he actually is. Many individuals with LD attribute their failures to being "dumb" and their successes to being lucky (instead of attributing it to their having talent or working hard). Their feelings of inadequacy are the unfortunate byproducts of chronic failure, of frequently being misunderstood by others, and of lowered expectations by family members and teachers alike.
Small Triumphs
Sixteen-year-old Brian complained that he had been left out of the dinner clean-up rotation in which his other four siblings participated in his home. His parents had felt he would not be able to load the dishwasher or do a thorough job of scrubbing the pots due to his learning disability. Although they had thought they were doing him a favor by excusing him from this task, their lowered expectations served only to decrease his self- efficacy and make him feel less capable and marginalized within his family.After consulting with me, his parents began teaching him the step-by-step process of scraping the dishes and then loading the dishwasher.... After he mastered rinsing and loading the dishwasher, they taught him how to scrub the pots and pans. Once they committed the time to training him properly for this important life skill, Brian felt like more of an equal within the family, and then joined the chorus of his siblings' complaints about having to do this chore!
Many individuals with LD find it hard to recognize that they have strengths that offset their areas of challenge. When I asked nineteen-year-old Ashley to make a list of what she was "good at" during a session early in her work with me, she was unable to identify even one area that was positive. Happily, that changed with therapy over time as she progressed and developed greater self-understanding, self-efficacy, and self-acceptance. Now in her early twenties, she counts among her strengths that she can act, knows how to cook a delicious stir-fry, is an academic "plugger," and can create a beautiful beaded necklace. For some individuals with LD, feelings of inadequacy are so deeply ingrained that they simply expect to fail at all their endeavors. They devalue the opinions of those who believe in their potential, and find it difficult to accept encouragement and praise. Based upon their history of academic struggles, they believe they will be unable to succeed, no matter how intense their effort, and wonder why they should bother to try at all. Many slip into a pattern of procrastination and fall short of finishing tasks both in and out of school to avoid what seems like an inevitably disappointing performance. There are a variety of steps that you as a parent can take to foster development of self-esteem in your child.
Parent tips for fostering development of self-esteem
- Try to understand the experiences of your teen's LD journey. Be sympathetic about setbacks, commend effort, and praise hard-earned accomplishments. Celebrate the process ("I see how hard you're working on this report!"), not just the outcome.
- Honest parent-teen communication is a protective factor against many mental health-related problems. Capitalize on every opportunity you have to communicate openly with your adolescent. Be candid with him about feelings of rejection and frustration you experienced at his age, and let him know that all teenagers-not just those with LD-share the misery of moments of self-doubt. Talk about coping strategies that did and didn't work for you, and suggest any that you think he might find useful. If you have a learning disability, share your story; you are in a position to be a great role model, as you're living proof that a person can succeed despite having an LD. You may be fortunate enough to have a teenager who will readily express his feelings to you, but many adolescents are reluctant to share their emotional lives with their parents. Don't let that stop you from being attentive to your teen's emotional well-being. Watch for hints in his body language, and show compassion by reaching out either directly ("You look a little down-want to talk?") or indirectly ("I've been thinking about renting a comedy tonight-want to watch with me?").
- Make sure that you have appropriately high expectations of your teen.
- Although it is not always readily apparent how high to set the bar, be aware that low expectations are far more damaging to self-esteem than the frustration of rising to challenges.
- Liberally offer honest, clear, positive feedback, but only when it's warranted; he will begin to disregard earned praise if compliments are vague, too freely forthcoming, or less than genuine.
- Reinforce positive behaviors with rewards that matter to your teen.
- Teach him to reinforce himself with self-praise ("Yay, I did it!"), activities he enjoys ("I get to go to the movies now that I got that task out of the way."), or new purchases, such as a CD.
It is not unusual for teens to lash out against their moms and dads since the parent-child relationship is often the safest in their lives. Expect that your teen's frustration and anger over LD-related difficulties may at times surface as blow-ups directed at you. Try to anticipate this dynamic and plan for it. When you're unhappy with your teen's behavior, make an effort to respond with patience and clear limit-setting that focuses on the specific changes you're seeking (e.g., "I can see you're upset, but I don't think it's with me-please talk to me with respect. Is there anything I can help you with?")
Although it's tempting to set punishments that take away favorite activities, be careful (as Janie's parents demonstrate in the following scenario) not to sacrifice one of your child's relatively few chances to display talent and to experience social success.
Care in Punishment
When Janie came home after curfew one night, her parents were tempted to restrict practice time with her band. Thinking it through, they realized that doing so would remove the major source of pleasure in her week, her one true period of relaxation, one of her few social opportunities, and the only arena within which she felt competent. They decided to limit her telephone use for several days instead.It's important that your teen feel appreciated and accepted within the culture of both home and school. Check in with his special ed teacher to make sure that he is receiving positive feedback in at least some of his classes and in extracurricular activities.
Help him find ways to make a contribution in school and in the community. Encourage him to join at least one club where he can be a participant and perhaps assume some responsibility. Finding opportunities to participate in community service activities will help him build self-efficacy and confidence. Discuss the range of community service options, and help him identify the one that most appeals to him.
In my research, I asked adults to look back at their childhood in school and describe one of their most positive moments involving something a teacher said or did to boost their self-esteem. The most frequent response was they were asked to help out or contribute in some manner, such as ..."I tutored a younger child," "I helped take care of the plants in the lobby." To be asked to help others communicates the message, "We believe you have something to offer and are a valuable member of the community." Dr. Robert Brooks: "How Can Parents Nurture Resilience in Their Children?," GreatSchools.net.
Help your teen identify strengths and arenas in which he feels capable and can excel. If he's good with animals, for example, give him responsibility for pet care at home; if he's at all adept at sports, make sure he has a chance to participate on a regular basis; if he's technically savvy, ask him for computer assistance.
Encourage your child to engage in "calculated risk-taking" that might lead to new experiences and new competencies. It may take some exploration of different activities to find the one or two that fit him, but the process is important and worthwhile and has the potential to yield lasting interests that can be enjoyed throughout his adolescence and into adulthood.
Book Excerpt: Guiding Teens with Learning Disabilities- Chapter: Low Self-Esteem
Click here to purchase Guiding Teens with Learning Disabilities: Navigating the Transition from High School to Adulthood on Amazon.com.
