Jonathan Cohen
For 99.9% of children, being a mean, cruel and/or a bully signals that they are frustrated, pained and/or scared in some way. And, they are managing or coping with these feeling by acting in this way. So, to the extent that you sense or know that your child is feeling frustrated, pained and/or scared in some way it is ALWAYS very helpful to confer with educators and others about how our child is managing these feelings.

Jonathan Cohen
This story breaks my heart too. Although I have touched on these kinds of issues in many of the responses that you will see here, I suggest that to be most helpful, it is important for you to help organize a meeting with your grand daughters teachers and any other adults who are supporting here and/or care about here (e.g. remedial experts). It is always terribly helpful to organize these kinds of meetings periodically to review how you all see your grand daughters strengths, difficulties, helpful and unhelpful coping strategies and to develop a concrete plan to address the kind of question you are raising. I imagine this may be a somewhat frustrating answer, as I know I am not being specific. However, in my experience I can’t really be helpfully specific with out understanding lots and lots of details that are beyond the scope of this forum.

Jonathan Cohen
The US government has an important set of resource here: Stop Bullying. And, the PACER Center also has a wonderful array of resource here: PACER Center on Bullying. You can also learn about a range of additional resources for parents, educators and students on our BullyBust web site.

Jonathan Cohen
This is a fundamentally important question. There is not yet a consensus about how to define bullying! Every single one of the 46 States that have bully prevention laws has a somewhat different definition! Scholars to tend to focus on three key issues that differential bullying from mean and cruel behavior: (1) that the bully or bullies who have “more power” (2) use this power to intentionally be hurtful physically or socially and that the hurtful acts are repeated or have the potential to become repeated again and again over time. (The federal government is working on a national definition of bullying that they will release in early 2012). In practice, it is often very difficult to understand if a person (i) has more power than others and (ii) if the act is intentional or not. I would suggest that, in practice, what is most important is for adults – and children! – to recognize mean and cruel behavior and stop it! All children – and adults – feel like acting in mean ways sometimes (e.g. if someone is really frustrating us!). But, we all need to learn to recognize these moments and channel these feeling in more responsible ways. In fact, a growing number of “bully experts” (including my colleagues and I) are less and less keen on the label ‘bullying’. As you have seen from my response, I suggest that it most helpful to talk about “mean, cruel and/or bullying behaviors.”

Jonathan Cohen
Effective bully prevention efforts are – necessarily – a school wide effort! The old African phase – “It takes a whole village to raise a healthy child” – is really true! (Short-term bully prevention efforts in schools are destined to be ineffective!) Developing an effective bully prevention effort involves six key elements:

1. A Principal who is seriously committed to a long term, school wide effort to insure that your school is a safe, supportive, engaging, helpfully challenging and, at least some of the time, joyful place for students to learn and grow up in;
2. Educators, parents and students coming together to think about “what kind of school do we want ours to be?” (This is a key step: developing a shared vision. In fact, in our work with thousands of schools across America, we have learned that virtually all adults have a very similar vision: that of course they want their school to be a safe and civil place where children will learn the skills, knowledge and dispositions needed to work, to be a life long learner, to be a good friend and mate, to be a responsible member of the community. This “shared vision” creates the foundation for developing school rules and practices that support this vision.
3. Assessing to what extent children do or do not feel safe, supportive, engaged and helpfully challenged. Our Center – and the US Department of Education – suggests that the single best way to evaluate this is to use school climate surveys. You can, for example, read about one of the scientifically sound surveys here: http://www.schoolclimate.org/climate/practice.php. Our Center has helped thousands of schools evaluate their school climate. The single most common findings that we have discovered is that students report feeling much less safe than the adults (educators and parents) have realized! Although we have not focused on learning disabled students per se in these assessments, I strongly suspect that this may be even truer for learning disabled students. School climate evaluations help everyone in the school to ‘”take a step back” and consider “what are our strengths and challenges now?”
4. Classrooms, morning meetings and Advisories: Although school wide assemblies about mean, cruel and bullying behaviors and what are helpful ways to respond to this kind of behavior can be helpful. But, it is even more helpful when teachers talk about these issues in small groups, like the classroom. Educators can and need to help children understand (i) what contributes to people acting in mean, cruel and/or bullying ways and (ii) that we all make a consciously or unrecognized decision to be a bystander (who is actually passively or actively supporting the mean behavior!) or an Upstander: someone who is socially responsible and tries to help the target of this behavior. Our Center has a range of information, guidelines and suggestions for parents and educators: http://www.schoolclimate.org/bullybust/ One of the most important steps that educators and parents can take is to support children become leaders in supporting everyone in the community becoming an Upstander. In mid October, our Center will be releasing an Upstander Alliance Tool Kit, which is designed to support just this! Consider signing up for our newsletter and we will let you know when this (free) set of resources and guidelines are released or just take a look at this site: http://www.schoolclimate.org/bullybust/.
5. One-on-one interactions: Adults and as much as possible students need to learn about what are helpful (and inadvertently, unhelpful!) ways of responding to bully-victim-bystander behavior. For example, just getting angry with the student who is acting in a mean, cruel and/or bullying way is understandable! But, it is unhelpful! Another essential aspect of one-on-one interactions is how parents, educators and school-based counselors learn and work together. It is terribly important that parents, educators and school-based counselors help each other to (i) recognize students who chronically “fall into” the role of bully and/or victim. Typically these students need support and may very well need counseling and/or other forms of professional help.
6. School-home-community partnerships: Effective bully prevention and pro-Upstander efforts include parents, educators and community leaders learning and working together. Parents can be and often are leaders in supporting just this kind of partnership.

Jonathan Cohen
This is a very important and complicated issue for so many children who have an attention problem and/or a nonverbal learning disability that may complicate reading social cues.

In my work as a clinical psychologist as well as an educator working with learning disabled children, there are two key steps that are helpful to consider. First, does your child understand that they – like everyone – presents with an array of strengths and weaknesses? Many learning disabled children feel so badly about their learning problems that they think “It is just me that can’t do stuff.” And, too often “it is all my fault, there is something terribly wrong with me!” These painful narratives or stories that children tell themselves can make “taking a step back and thinking about what has occurred” almost impossible. Supporting our children to gradually appreciate that we all have an array of strengths and also difficulties is a challenging but terribly important goal. This is actually a very important goal for parents and educators to talk about and work to develop a concrete teaching/learning plan that will – over time – support your child understanding this truth.

When children do begin to appreciate that reading social cues, for example, is one of their weaknesses, we (adults and the child together!) can begin to work together as real partners to develop strategy that support kids learning about how to best figure out what really happened.

Jonathan Cohen
Bullying is terrible relevant for children with learning disabilities. Way too many children with disabilities are bullied and/or treated in mean and cruel ways by others. It is very important for parents and teachers of LD children to be aware of this. Learning disable children are more likely to become targets of mean, cruel and/or bullying behavior. There are some states that are even taking specific steps to include children with learning disabilities in the “protected class” category.

Jonathan Cohen
This is a terribly important question. However, I am hard pressed to be able to answer this in a helpful manner, as the response would be different for each child.

Jonathan Cohen
This is an unacceptable response from teachers and principals. In this kind of situation, I strongly suggest you contact the district superintendent and/or the local school board. Children CANNOT simply end mean, cruel and/or bullying behaviors on their own! This NEEDS to be a school wide effort. In fact, President Obama takes this issue so seriously that that he has established a federal bully prevention partnership that is made up of nice federal agencies and other centers (read the press release). Our Center is one of the school climate/bully prevention organizations that are involved with this federal effort. We have a growing array of supports for parents, educators and students here: www.schoolclimate.org/bullybust/

Jonathan Cohen
There is not a simple right or wrong answer here. My leaning is to always first go to the other parents. However, as I have outlined in a number of the responses here, it is most important that parents and educator.. and students!..work together to create a comprehensive effort that will prevent mean, cruel and bullying behavior and promote Upstander behavior.

Jonathan Cohen
As I have detailed in my response to Thia's Mom's question, effective bully prevention efforts are complex, multifaceted and 'doable'!!! However, there is not one specific program or curriculum that will 'do the trick'. there are a series of goals and strategies to actulize these goals that I outlined in my response to Thia's Mom.

Jonathan Cohen
Great question! I would not consider this bullying per se..where there is clear intent to be hurtful. Sometimes children really do not understand this. And, sometimes children are NOT intending to be hurtful. But, the impact of their words IS hurtful. What is most important is to support meaningful conversations about this: at home and at school.

Jonathan Cohen
This is such an important question to talk about with other parents and educators at your child’s school! There is not “one answer” to this question. Talking about it and role-playing options are always helpful! Our Center is launching a (free) set of Upstander Alliance resources that will support middle and high school students learning about how they can helpfully address mean, cruel and bullying behavior, support targets of bullying and promote Upstander behavior throughout the community in late October. Look for this on our web site later in October 2011.

Jonathan Cohen
This is terrible. I suggest that you contact the superintendent of the district and/or the local school board.

Jonathan Cohen
Mean, cruel and/or bullying behavior can be seen in very young children. Typically, children act in these ways for one of two reasons. First, when young (and older!) children are frustrated (e.g. due to social and/or learning-related problems), these feelings can “morph” into anger and/or mean and cruel behavior. And, secondly, one of the important ways that all children learn is that they copy what they see from others. So, when young (or older!) children see others (e.g. their parents or older siblings) acting in mean, cruel and/or bullying ways they can copy this behavior. In fact, children begin learning social emotional “lesson” from the beginning of their life! It is important for parents and educators to take a step back and think about “what do I most care about and want for my child/student?” For most of us, I suspect that we want our children and/or students to become caring and responsible people. Learning to understand how we are feeling and how to manage these feelings begins in the early years. It is true, for example, that young children’s don’t always know what they are saying! This is one of the reasons why it is so important to help young children understand what is ok and not ok.

Jonathan Cohen
Talk to them about this. what is it like to be bullied? let them know that it is very understandable that they may want to treat others the way that they are being treated! But, that is not ok!

Jonathan Cohen
great question. Kindly look at my response to Thia's mom.

Jonathan Cohen
It is almost always helpful to create a team to support our child. Tutors can be important members of our team!

Jonathan Cohen
Here is what I would suggest. In small groups, talk with them about “how do you want others to treat you?” My hunch is that they will also “nicely!” And this will create a ‘platform’ for you to help them begin to think about the following essential questions: ➢ How come students sometime do not treat others nicely? In other words, all kids – and grownups – sometimes are mean to others? What is clear and not to you about what makes us act like this sometime? ➢ If someone were treating you in a mean and/or cruel way, how would you want your friends and the teacher to react? ➢ Are there rules or norms that they want to consider insuring that people do treat each other nicely? Sometimes, it is also helpful to use literature as a springboard for these kinds of discussions. Think about the books or movies your child or student is reading/watching. Typically, literature and movies are filled with complicated relationships! We can use these relationships to begin to consider the questions noted above in ways that may not be as ‘charged’ as talking about the child’s or ourselves peers.

Jonathan Cohen
This is terrible. I suggest that you contact the superintendent of the district and/or the local school board.

Jonathan Cohen
On one level, I have responded to this important question in some ways in my responses to Suzanne, Tricia, Lisa Stalteri’s question. On another level we have to understand each child – child by child – to really understand how to best address this kind of question. This is an example of where it is often – literally – invaluable to bring educators, parents, remedial experts and other professionals who may be involved together to talk about the child’s (i) strengths, (ii) weaknesses, and (iii) their helpful and/or unhelpful modes of coping as well as a specific question like this.

Jonathan Cohen
This is a really important and complicated question. Children do need to learn that there are consequences to their action. And, if a school community has come together and agreed that we are not going to treat one another in mean, cruel and/or bullying ways, there does need to be consequences for children who do so. Ideally, these consequences are not simply punitive. Punitive responses – alone! – tend to have very little if any positive impact over time. In fact, there is a growing body of research that suggests that zero tolerance policies and punishment alone can even make matters worse. Ideally, consequences are linked to the student needing to do something that supports learning and/or some kind of meaningful community service linked to safety and our social behavior. In fact, this is a seriously important question for PTA’s and parents and educators to struggle with.

Jonathan Cohen
It is most important that our children feel safe and supported. I appreciate that “just ignore” him seems inadequate. In fact, for some children this is helpful suggestion. For many others it is even more helpful for them to go to a teacher or aid or friend who they can talk to and be supported by. This is what students have taught us: often the most helpful step is to be able to talk about what happened with someone they know cares and who is supportive. This is a meaningful, short-term solution. Naturally, this addresses the needs of our child in the moment. It does not address the larger and critical question of what is “ok” and “not ok” to do in our school community.

Jonathan Cohen
I suggest that you raise this issue with school officials in two overlapping ways: How are we as a school community effectively (or not!) working to create a safe, respectful and responsible school community? And, how can we learn from what is now happening with my child. Your child matters! But, if we only focus on each instance, one at a time, your school will continue to do what most are now doing: reacting to difficult moment. No matter how helpfully school official and you manage this situation, school leaders need to engage in a series of steps (outlined in the question I addressed earlier- Even though I’m most interested in my child, would you describe what an effective school-wide bully prevention effort looks like)

Jonathan Cohen
All children should have the right to understand what actually happened. Unfortunately, today there is a great tendency to “blame” the children who are acting in mean, cruel and/or bullying ways. This is unhelpful. Even if a child did act in mean, cruel and/or bullying ways, the child is not a ‘bad child.’ The child was acting in ways that are not ok. If you are interested, you can learn about the current bully prevention laws in America: www.schoolclimate.org/climate/database.php.

Jonathan Cohen
Kindly see my response to Tricia' question and also Thea's Mom.

Jonathan Cohen
In some ways I have responded to this question in response to Tricia question. What is also true is that this is always a centrally important goal in our work and parenting with learning disabled children: to support their understanding their weaknesses and strengths and learning to be an advocate for themselves! Realistically, this is always a multi year process!

Jonathan Cohen
I don’t fully understand what has contributed to bullying coming to the fore in the last 24 or so months. In fact, children have been committing suicide – in part – linked to relentless bullying for many, many years. It is very positive that bully-victim-bystander behavior has come to the front of the nation’s attention. And, it is very positive that President Obama is taking this so seriously. I do not agree with you that “volunteering or being kind which is what stops it dead in it's tracks”. In fact, ALL effective bully prevention efforts need to be grounded in EVERYONE in the community working to be an Upstander or socially responsible in the face of mean, cruel and/or bullying behavior. I hope and expect that our new (and free) Upstander Alliance Tool Kit and related web site (to be launched later in October 2011 on this site - www.schoolclimate.org/bullybust/) will support students being leaders in just this area!

Jonathan Cohen
Kindly see my response to Thia's mom.

Jonathan Cohen
All children should have the right to understand what actually happened. Unfortunately, today there is a great tendency to “blame” the children who are acting in mean, cruel and/or bullying ways. This is unhelpful. Even if a child did act in mean, cruel and/or bullying ways, the child is not a ‘bad child.’ The child was acting in ways that are not ok.

Jonathan Cohen
There are a growing number of local and national organizations that are focused on supporting students, parents and educators understanding what they can and need to do to prevent mean, cruel and/or bulling behavior. You can find many of these organizations listed here: www.schoolclimate.org/bullybust/resources/

Jonathan Cohen
This might be a good opportunity to “open the door” to speak about school climate issues for the whole school community. As we provide more and more support to curb bullying behavior with students, it is a great time to highlight that one of the best ways to prevent this type of behavior is to promote school-wide efforts to create respectful, inclusive, caring school communities. And this needs the support and the example of administrators. Sometimes educators and/or support staff at school do act in mean, cruel and/or bullying ways. This is always unacceptable! If this is occurring, we strongly encourage you to (i) see if you can talk directly to and with this person. If they are not open to talking with you about this, we encourage you to go to their supervisor and/or the principal, district superintendent and/or the school board.

Jonathan Cohen
The Raikes Foundation recently studied 70 some assessment tools for middle school children and report on the ten that they believe are most sound and useful can be downloaded here.