My child is struggling 
Now that my child has 
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Although I knew that this was necessary, I felt a little funny about it. There would be a stranger living with us. And she would spend more time with my child than I would. I wondered if Charlotte would identify with this new, strange person as her mother rather than me. I was also self-conscious that it might seem like some extravagant indulgence. Would the nanny see me as spoiled? Would other people? But really, there was no other way to juggle my job and motherhood.
Tom put an ad in the Irish Echo, a small weekly newspaper catering to the Irish community in New York. We found a lovely young Irish woman who was just moving to New York. She came to live with us when Charlotte was just a month old. But she didn’t last long — she went home to Ireland for Christmas and didn't come back.
We went back to the Irish Echo, and it led us to Monica Lowe, a lovely Jamaican woman who is still very much involved with helping us take care of Charlotte and her younger sister, Annie, and with helping to manage Charlotte's LD.
I learned so much from Monica from the very beginning. She was a mentor to me in the world of childrearing. I mentored young designers at work, and she mentored me at home. She was totally relaxed. She wasn't afraid of breaking Charlotte. She wasn't afraid of her crying, her colic. Her whole body language was relaxed. She laughed easily. I felt totally confident that she would look after Charlotte with all the care I would -- but with a lot more knowledge.
That's not to say it was always easy. The qualities I admired in Monica — her strength, her conviction — sometimes caused me unease. Some of her island habits didn't jibe with mine. Some of her potions for common ailments were "folk" remedies I was unfamiliar with. Of course, in the New Age 1990s, I learned that many of them were not only effective but were beginning to be accepted by even some mainstream doctors — hot garlic and cayenne-pepper tea really does relieve the discomfort of cold symptoms! At the time, that home-concocted medicine scared me more than some totally chemical potion from the pharmacy.
But Monica was a natural where child rearing and healing were concerned. We had a three-foot-long section on the bookshelves of childcare how-to and reference books. Monica had her experience and her instinct.
Monica was -- and still is -- an essential part of our family unit. I don't know how the family would have functioned without her. We were blessed, right from the beginning. Once we had Monica living with us and helping with the more difficult aspects of taking care of our baby, I could really enjoy Charlotte. We were symbiotic in a way that mothers and their children have been for all time.
I have photos of Charlotte napping on my stomach as I napped. All of the maternal instincts I once feared I lacked were now kicking in. I instantly welled up with love and warmth whenever I saw her. She was soft and warm and beautiful. I loved walking around with her in her Snuggly — that harness that straps a baby to your stomach and that is essential to urban living and very primal, kangaroo like, in a wonderful way.
I also loved walking next to Tom as he carried her in the Snuggly. We were the closest we'd ever been then. He'd been home for three months, helping take care of Charlotte, and that was a great, bonding experience for all of us.
Still, even with all that Monica showed us, we knew so little about having a child. We joined a parenting class held by our pediatrician in the West Village. Career moms and dads just like us would show up after work to listen to Dr. Tsao talk about what it would be like to be a parent, from a medical angle. I remember arriving there, still buzzing from goings-on at work — deadlines, plans for a show, hiring, designing — and having to switch my focus to less tangible issues.
It was interesting to be hearing tips from a doctor about what to look out for as far as illnesses and milestones. She told us when our daughter should crawl, when she should walk. I was grateful to have that.
But none of it really registered then. It was academic, just a bunch of facts at that point. Like taking notes in health class in junior high. Charlotte was so young, most of what we were learning wasn't relevant yet.
A few months later, though, when Charlotte didn't crawl on time, it would all come into sharp focus. Suddenly, we would be aware of all sorts of milestones. And everything would change dramatically.
© 2006 by Dana Buchman and Charlotte Farber. Reprinted with permission.
