My child is struggling 
Now that my child has 
NCLD: Did you and your husband talk a lot about what was going on?
DB: We talked about it operationally. In fact, that became the default topic of conversation, How's Charlotte doing?” or ”How is school going for her?” We didn't talk very much about our emotional reactions to it. We talked about what we should do, what the next step would be. We were both very into that; we were very good at that.
NCLD: Did you explain all this to Charlotte as you were going along? Did she start to realize early on that she was different from other children?
DB: Kids are very smart; they know so much more than parents think they do. Charlotte knew what was going on very early. So when we finally did sit her down and said “Charlotte, you have a learning disability,” it really wasn't a big surprise for her. I'm not sure exactly how early it was when it came into her mind, but with all the hoopla from an early age -- going up to Columbia Presbyterian and getting all the tests, for example -- she was quick to realize something about her was different.
We didn't talk about it with her then, though, because at the time nobody said we should tell her. I felt that, until we knew more about what the nature of the problems were, we shouldn't include her. We would tell her things like, “We're going to see if you need extra help in school,” but we didn't really try to explain things to her until she was maybe ten or so. And, by that point, I think she already knew.
NCLD: When was your second daughter, Annie Rose, born?
DB: Annie came along when Charlotte was two years old.
NCLD: Did you ever feel guilty about comparing her development to Charlotte's?
DB: My gosh, yes; it was horrible. On the one hand, I wanted to compare them because I didn't have much to go on as far as gauging Charlotte's progress. On the other hand, I didn't want to compare them because I didn't want Charlotte to feel bad. The defining moment came when Annie was about five years old and was reading Frog and Toad, (a chapter book), while Charlotte still couldn't read at all. And at a glance, you could see the hurt in Charlotte's face, realizing that her younger sister could do something that she couldn't.
I ended up over-protecting Charlotte, spending a lot of time protecting her feelings. And in trying not to make Charlotte feel bad, I short-changed Annie. That's one of the most important messages I want to emerge from the book. If you think a child may have learning differences, get him or her tested as soon as you can and start dealing with it. The earlier the better. But also be aware of the effects that LD will have on your whole family, especially on siblings.
A child with special needs is just that -- extra needy. The operational things alone, like taking Charlotte to the therapist, naturally required special attention. But there were also dozens of other, everyday things, too -- helping her tie her shoes or just getting dressed -- where she always needed a lot more attention [than Annie did]. Sometimes when we were going out, Annie would be dressed and ready, but Charlotte wouldn't be able to find anything in her room, and might need help getting her clothes on. There were many things related to her disability that needed attending. The whole time you're handling these things for your LD child, it's important not to neglect your non-LD children.
Charlotte and Annie were always very close, though, and they still are. Annie never lorded it over her sister, either. The dynamic between the two of them was also very interesting. When they were out together, Annie was always protective of Charlotte, was watching out for her. But when they played together at home and played imaginary games that involved roles, Charlotte would always be the mommy and Annie would be the little girl. When they played by themselves, they would restore the natural order of the "big sister looking after the little sister" dynamic.
NCLD: Did you sit down with Annie and talk about Charlotte's LD?
DB: Eventually, yes. But I think I was much too late sitting down and talking to her about the situation. Ultimately, I think she kept a lot of her feelings bottled up. I realize that we should have talked about it with her sooner.
As far as telling others, my attitude was, “Don't tell people that Charlotte has learning differences, because that will become the thing that defines her,” as if talking about it would make it come true. It wasn't that I was embarrassed for people to know, but I thought it was a good idea not to talk about it because Charlotte's LD wasn't always apparent [to others].
Since LD isn't apparent in every situation, one of the big problems is [deciding] when to mention it. When Charlotte is in a situation where she's around a lot of mainstream kids, when does she bring it up? I don't think she should rush in and say, “Hey, I have LD.” Or when I'm introducing both my daughters, I don't say “This is Charlotte, she has LD.” It's something that people with LD always have to grapple with.
