Success in life is about a lot of things: education, employment, meaningful relationships – and so much more. All parents hope their children will attain it. But most parents who have children with learning disabilities (LD) have at least one moment when they wonder whether their children can truly achieve life success. Not only is it possible for your child, but you also can do many things to foster qualities that make success much more likely.This article sheds a little light on proactivity, which research shows is pivotal to success for individuals with LD.
Passivity Is Passé
Acting, rather than reacting, to events is a hallmark of successful people – whether they have learning disabilities or not. People who are proactive not only believe in the power to control their own destiny, but they also exercise that control instead of becoming pawns or victims.Paul J. Gerber, Ph.D., professor in the department of Special Education and Disability Policy at the Virginia Commonwealth University in Richmond, VA, is currently co-authoring a book with Marshall H. Raskind, Ph.D., about highly successful people with LD. (The book is scheduled for publication by the end of 2011.)
"When we study or interview people who are highly successful, we see them really taking the bull by the horns and setting the agenda – at least their own agenda," he says. Sometimes this differs from what others expect of them, but they've learned to play to their strengths, articulate their ideas, anticipate the demands of a situation, and take control to the extent possible. "When you are proactive, you can help frame or structure a situation so it's fitting to you," he says, explaining that this works just as well for people who simply achieve regular – not exceptional – success.
Here's what he and others have to say about how parents can help foster this quality in children who have LD.
1. Talk about it. Jeff Rice is principal of one of the Briarwood Schools in Houston, TX, serving students with LD and developmental delays. He says that proactivity is one of the more difficult attributes for parents to instill in their kids, but that it can be done.
A good starting place for parents is to label and define the term for their child. "Proactivity is a big word," he says, and it will help if you can explain or illustrate its connection to self-advocacy. When you catch your child being proactive, then give her immediate reinforcement. That helps her better understand the concept. For example, learning how to ask questions is an important aspect of proactivity and a critical skill in both school and life. If you catch your child asking questions to get her needs met, be sure to give the proverbial pat on the back and congratulate her for being proactive.
Monica Gomez, a social skills coordinator at the Frostig School, a school for children with learning disabilities in Pasadena, CA, adds that discussing the idea of proactivity brings it into the open. "We're very big on giving kids the language," she says. She suggests that parents might say something like this to their child: "You're really good at stepping out and doing for yourself in this arena, but I notice when you're in this other situation, it's more difficult – you get nervous or stressed out. What can we learn for you to be more proactive?"
Prompting your child for her ideas can help promote proactivity and good problem-solving skills. If your gradeschooler is sitting in the classroom and her pencil breaks, ask her what she thinks she can do. If necessary, prompt with follow-up questions: "Is it best to stare at your desk? Ask someone else for a pencil? Ask to sharpen your pencil?"
2. Help your child identify resources. Knowing how to get help means knowing who to ask and knowing where to look for other resources. Use "teachable moments" to help your child identify these resources, says Chris Schnieders, Ph.D., director of teacher training at the Frostig School. "It's a major theme running through middle school," she says, and a time when teachers (and parents!) need to repeatedly ask students, "What are your resources?"
"We spend a lot of time discussing resources like the computer, thesaurus, or phone numbers of friends." Then kids don't feel stumped and simply respond with something like, "I didn't do my homework because I forgot what it was."
3. Practice, practice, practice. Part of learning how to be proactive is giving kids the opportunity to practice, especially in middle school years, says Gomez. Maybe it’s a recycling project in the community where kids can get some hands-on experience. Learning about the environment in the classroom is one thing, but the concept solidifies when a child can actually do something about it in the “real” world.
Don Trimmer, Ph.D., principal at Evergreen Elementary School in Diamond Bar, CA, has worked to incorporate life skills including proactivity into the school curriculum. "Children often will look at large tasks and give up," he says. Parents can help their children break up long homework assignments into steps, and turn the steps into a timeline. "This way, it becomes more manageable," he says, "and children learn to become more proactive." Promoting other organizational skills may also help with proactivity. For example, establishing a consistent place for doing homework allows your child to spend less time retracing steps to locate a stapler and more time taking charge of important tasks.
Give your child lots of opportunities to make decisions. Start small, and work up to bigger challenges. For example, take your child out into the community where there are chances to learn new things. It might be a trip to the library where he can learn how to search and pick out books. Or, "shadow" your child on the subway, and put her in charge of figuring out how to get from one location to another and deciding where to sit on the train. With each of these experiences, your child gains confidence in her ability to be proactive and make good choices. These skills then transfer to school and many other areas of her life.
4. Collaborate, don't take over. If you always jump in and solve problems for your child, he will be slow to learn how to do things for himself. This sends the message that he's not competent, and may inadvertently foster dependency. Make problem solving a collaborative effort at first. "The more collaboration you have, the more investment and motivation you get [from your child], and the less passivity or dependence," says Gerber. With a younger child who tends to be forgetful, this might mean asking her to go through her backpack and tell you what's important, not pulling things out and looking through things yourself. Then gradually pull away, so your child learns to take ownership.
One of the biggest challenges as a parent is to learn to let go, to let your child make mistakes, says Rice. This is especially true for parents of children with LD, and this may be particularly difficult with teens who constantly test boundaries and limits. The answer is not to tighten the reins, but to let them face natural, logical consequences. "Try not to hover, to be a helicopter parent. Even though you have the technology to text your kid every five seconds, fight that urge…let her grow up." This becomes increasingly important with high school juniors and seniors. Giving them "space" in a more controlled environment will set them up better for success.
Helping your child to be proactive – to take responsibility for his or her life – may be easier said than done, but it helps to remember that this is a process. Your child won't jump from A to Z overnight. Just as when your child learned the alphabet, remember to celebrate small successes. With time, these can turn into bigger successes throughout life.
Annie Stuart is a freelance writer and editor with nearly 25 years of experience. She specializes in consumer health, parenting, and learning disabilities, among other areas.
This article is made possible by a grant from the American Legion Child Welfare Foundation.
Additional Resources
Life Success for Students with Learning Disabilities: A Parent GuidePatterns of Change and Predictors of Success in Individuals with Learning Disabilities
Predictors of Success in Individuals with Learning Disabilities
How Parents Can Help Thier Kids Develop Success Attributes
The Implications of Success Attribute Research for Kids With Learning Disabilities
